Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Submission for The Power of Tension Blogfest

Stormland
Prologue

“Why isn’t the sky blue anymore?”

The man sat under a bridge with his niece huddled beside him.  The black rain seeped through the cracks above and left little pools of ash on the pale skin of the girl’s arms.  He moved her over in the hopes of finding a dry spot.  The child reminded him of a doll that had been left out in the rain and ruined.  Her hair had gotten so tangled and matted that he had had to cut it into short uneven clumps.  She deserved something better than this.

“Why isn’t the sky blue anymore?” she asked again.

Lena, dear, I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

“The sky is a giant mirror that reflected the blue oceans.  But someone threw a rock at the sky and it shattered.  So now we just see what was behind the sky.”

“Can they fix it?”

“No.”

“I’m hungry,” she said.

The brush nearby crackled and in an instant he was there.  Far too soon.  The child pressed herself closer to him.

Lena, I want you to go with this man.”

Her little green eyes went wide with fright.  “I want to stay with you.”

He took a deep breath to hold back tears.  “I am no good at taking care of you.  He is going to take you to a better place.  He is going to take you to a place where the sky is still blue.”

“Will Mommy and Daddy meet me there?”

Each time she asked of them, he felt like his heart would burst.  But this would be the last time he would have to say it.

“You won’t see Mommy and Daddy for a long time.  They will meet you in heaven.”

20 comments:

  1. Ooh, I have so many questions. Good job!

    -Vicki

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  2. Moving. I'm already invested in these characters. Nicely done!

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  3. I'm left with a ton of questions, but not in an unsatisfying way.

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  4. that was great, very intense at the end! :)

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  5. That really tugs at your heartstrings, especially the end. And, random, but that was a fascinating story about why the sky wasn't blue anymore.

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  6. Wow - this is a really intriguing piece. I want to know how they got to this point, where they're going, what happened to her parents, what sort of world they live in. Great work!

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  7. Loved this! Very tense and sad. I too have so many questions that make me want to read on and find out where this girl is going and what will happen to her. Great job! :D

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  8. Awh bless, poor little girl! :O)

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  9. So few words and I love them both. Great job. This scene is awesome.

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  10. Poor little thing - what happened to her parents? Great post, lots of tension. Thank you!

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  11. I tried to comment earlier, but got shut down by Blogger.

    I love the mystery about the sky and the significance of it. I am totally curious about the parents and what happened previously.

    I am dying to know who this man is and why he can't stay with the child.

    What is the child's story?

    And most of all, who is this other man she needs to go with?

    Many, many questions. Which, obviously, is a GOOD thing at this point (300 words in).

    Great stuff.

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  12. Wow! I loved your descriptive language, and the way the scene was mysterious, beautiful, wistful - just lovely.

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  13. OMG. So sad, yet beautifully written. I have so many questions, I feel quite tense myself. I want more!

    Power Of Tension Blogfest

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  14. The sky and the ash -- sounds distinctly post-apocalyptic. This piece raised so many questions. Nicely done.

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  15. Thank you all for your support and encouragement! Best of luck in your writing endeavors.

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  16. I like the man's description of the sky being a giant mirror that got shattered.
    In the paragraph, "The brush nearby crackled and in an instant he was there. Far too soon. The child pressed herself closer to him." Does the "he" refer to the man who just arrived? I thought it meant the man under the bridge (because up till then there was no other man in the scene). Had to read that a few times to understand it correctly. (I mean, I think I understand it correctly!)

    Thanks for entering :-)

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  17. Thanks Rachel! And thank you for hosting the awesome contest. It was a lot of fun.

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  18. Wow, nicely done. It was moving, tense, suspenseful and totally makes me want more! Bravo!

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  19. This reminded me of The Road, and made me want to hug the little girl and cry! Beautiful.

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  20. Wow, I'm full of questions! Great job! I feel so sorry for the little girl, but also for the MC!

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