Saturday, January 14, 2012

Can You Hit a Perfect Pitch? Blogfest Contest Entry



Welcome visitors from Brenda Drake's blog!  If you're not participating in the contest yet, you still can.  Check it out here.

Pitch:

Warren never lets bullies mess with his little brother, no matter now big or bad. So when the King of the Texas Empire kidnaps Warren’s brother, Warren embarks into a still-wild West to save him.


1st 150 words:

Warren’s mother had taped his old Star Wars comforter over the patio door of their apartment.  He didn’t pause too long to wonder why.  His mother suffered from what his brother called, “severe eccentricity,” and blacking out the windows with old sheets for no obvious reason wasn’t out of character.  With both of her sons out of the house now, there was no one to put out the fire if she tried to make bacon in the toaster again, so Warren always came home when she asked him to.  But if she had called him for anything less than a toaster fire, he would head right back to campus to enjoy the first day of summer the way it was intended to be enjoyed – drunk and poolside.


He wiped his feet like he had been taught even though their revolting brown carpeting didn’t show much.  

9 comments:

  1. Your pitch, one tiny thing: when the Empire kidnaps HIS brother, because from the second sentence, we get it's Warren's.
    Your scene: why not have Warren walk into his mother tapping his Star Wars sheet to the window? It's a small change, but it brings us into the action instead of having it recall to us. But this is intriguing, good job!

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  2. I think I remember this from the Guess My Character's Age bloghop a while back :) You have excellent voice here and I would want to keep reading, nicely done!

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  3. Your pitch sounds awesome! I agree with Anne's suggestion--and you might even think about putting the brother's name in there so you don't have to say "brother" again.

    I'd definitely read more. Good luck!

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  4. I love both your pitch and first 150 words! I'd like to know the boys' ages - although you tell us that Warren is in college (I think).

    I am very curious about the King of Texas Empire reference.

    Good luck!

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  5. My issue with the pitch, is the fact that we get Warren's name THREE times in two sentences. Not necessary.

    Also, king of texas empire? What kind of novel is this? fantasy? if you're talking about a business empire, then say so. Also, if possible, maybe work something into the pitch about why he would kidnap the brother.

    Could be really good. Just needs some polishing :)

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  6. The excerpt is great...the voice and caring for the MC is there right away. I agree with eliminating the use of the name "Warren" 3 times in the pitch. Other than that the pitch is strong. Good job :)

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  7. Warren never lets bullies mess with his little brother, no matter HOW big or bad. So when the King of the Texas Empire kidnaps HIS brother, HE embarks into a still-wild West to save him.
    This last section of the second sentence seems a little confusing. You had a typo in the first sentence which I've put in CAPS. The other words in CAPS are just a suggestion. The voice in your pitch and the first 150 seems a touch different to me.

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  8. I love the voice and setting in your first 150. I completely agree with those above about the use of Warren's name. Also- I'd like to know who the King of the Texas Empire is? I'm sure you address it later, but is it a gang? A politician?
    Otherwise.. REALLY great!!

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  9. I agree with Anne's suggestion—I think that would be more immediately hooking. I'm getting a little disconnect between the pitch and the opening page, because the opening page makes it sound like the relationship between him and his mom takes the main plot, while the pitch says it's him and his brother, so…yes, a bit of a disconnect.

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